I thought that this was a really important post to write. This has got to be one of the worst types of psychological abuse. Because sometimes the victim/survivor has no idea that they are slowly being coersed into doing something that they would not normally consider taking part in which can even be criminal behaviour. The abuse can be so subtle to begin with it doesn’t seem like abuse at all, it is someone manipulating someone else into doing their bidding one very small step at a time and before you know it your caught, your someone else’s puppet on a string with no cohearant instructions. With the very real possibility of you commiting the crimes of the perpertrator because narcissists are quite capable of committing a crime and think nothing of it when they do especially if they are very high on the spectrum and are closer to being a psychopath than a narcissist.
I have observed many different behaviours and society has a toxic behaviour epidemic as these people are in positions of power, which is not a good place for these people to be. They are totally ineffectual in almost every situation and they even have to take their abusive ideas from other people/targets because these people have no imagination, which is why they will keep telling you same stories over and over even if much time has passed since these stories happened. This is why we have governments that keep doing the same things over & over that have never worked for the majority, it only works for the toxic ones.
I will be leaving graphics, videos and other media to explain what this phenomena is and how to get help if you are experiencing any of this behaviour. But one thing i want to say before we really get going is that MEN experience this type of behaviour too. God damn it we have to get away from the gender devide with everything. This affects all areas of society and the only way that we will ever be able to guard against this type of behaviour is to all learn about these behaviours. Introduce this education in secondary schools.
If there is something to discriminate against, these people will find it. They are racist, sexist, ableist, gender critical and have many other despicible behaviours and if they want to hide that they are racist or any other discrimatory behaviours that they have, they will make the flying monkey’s behave in a discrimatory way instead so that they appear to be holier than thou, but they are anything but. They will even use religion to further their agenda. Spouting the commandments at you whilst breaking all of them themselves. There dosen’t seem to be a commandment “Thou shalt not F**K with thy children. Perhaps we need to resurrect the author of the bible to correct that error.
You also need to limit the flow of information you give to these people. I’m not saying you have to go full no comment as that would be a blatent F you which could get you into more trouble. You need to be a little more subtle. Comments like “I will have to check my diary and get back to you” “i have no idea/clue” then you must conveniently steer the conversation elsewhere and forget to give them the information they requested. I know that seems easier said than done but people have escaped these relationships before this was even a recognised condition. They didn’t get out scott free but they got out and survived. Maybe with a few wounds but you can repair. Look up grey and yellow rocking for more ideas of how to protect yourself.
The most important thing for you to remember is if you want to get out of the situation you are in you need to find the right witness. That means finding someone who is the same gender as you the survivor/victim and as close to as many of your other attributes as possible. You keep this person away from the abuser they are just a witness so someone to drop call in the middle of an argument to serve as a witness. If you have any friends of the opposite gender you rename them on your phone. In short you have to learn to be as devious as them, not easy when you are an honest person who wouldn’t even know where to start with this kind of unexeptable behaviour. It doesn’t mean that you will carry on treating everyone else the same way, you won’t because it feels so alien. This will be really hard in the beginning but it is a necessary survival tool so please learn to protect yourself.
Here are a few links for places you can go to get help should you require it.
https://www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help
https://www.healthline.com/health/coercive-control
https://time.com/5610016/coercive-control-domestic-violence/
https://www.netdoctor.co.uk/healthy-living/a26582123/coercive-control/
https://www.gov.uk/government/consultations/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-statutory-guidance
Norfolk Police Handbook – I’m very sorry but i am not allowed to share the link to this leaflet. I have to ask permisson from the legal department and no one seems to be able to give me the correct contact for that department. I’ve tried three times and keep being given the wrong contact details. So if you want to see this information then you will have to contact me for me to send a website link to you privately or try searching for it yourself. Doesn’t really bode well for someone who is experiencing abuse, because for these people getting out of bed for the day can be a chore so they’re hardly going to ask permission to view a document. A document that could be really useful to someone with lots of information about organisations that can help. the document is called “What is coersive control leaflet” if you copy the words between the speech marks and paste into your browser it the document should come up as the first choice.
If you are in this situation then i know that you are scared. You feel like the whole world can see into your brain, can read your thoughts and know every move your about to make. That everyone seems to have all the answers and you have none. This behaviour is designed to have you confused, designed to make you feel like you are the only person in the world who has ever experienced this type of behaviour and designed so that you take this behaviour into your other relationships, so that it isolates you from being able to find help because those friends don’t like your new found behaviours. I promise you (i don’t make promises often) that no one can read your mind. But some of us can read your behaviours and our abusers remember everything we want and do everything they can to destroy those dreams. They even kill pets and destroy all of your achivements because you are not allowed an ego only they are allowed an ego.
You must do what is right for you. If that means lying in bed all day thinking about how you are going to get out of this situation or that you overslept and missed going to see one of your favourite people because you have not slept in days then that’s ok. This is your life no one elses and it is up to you what you do with your life. If that favourite person of yours is a true friend then no excuses should be necessary and there is no forgiveness to ask for especially when that person is aware of these despicable behaviours and knows that you require rest when you can get it.
I also know that some people may not want to prosecute their abusers. Even if you have documented every incident that has happened and have all the evidence to convict your abuser it does not mean that you have to go ahead and prosecute. You could make sure that all of the belongings that you don’t want/can’t lose like any documentation, can be left with a trusted friend and present yourself to a police officer and say i am being coersively controlled but i have no evidence can you please help.
This behaviour doesn’t just happen in intimate relationships but in many areas of society including the work place and the voluntary sector. What do you do if this is an organisation with a large amount of people where someone has got a foothold and is coersively controlling the work force/volunteers. Does that organisation not have a duty of care to their members? Of course they do.
These people are very careful not to show their true colours when in a group setting but more likely to in an individual communication. This means these organisations should have a pool of people (who understand the behaviour) to stand witness in these one to one calls. But it should probably be done surreptitiously, gather all the evidence possible and submit to the police because this is a criminal offence. The organisation should also make sure that survivors have the support that they require. With sign posting to other organisations that can help if necessary.
Of course some people experienced this kind of abuse during their childhood or maybe other types of abuse like neglect or violent physical abuse and are hyperindependant. When someone is hyperindependant it means the only way they can heal is all alone even if they crave company just a small amount can feel sufficating even if it is coming from a place of goodness and no alterior motives.
I hope you have found this post useful and not too overwhelming. You might be in shock right now unable to think straight. It’s time to take some time away from this information, allow yourself time to absorb the information and decide on your plan of action. Sending my best wishes for your healing journey.
Philippa Fleming Activist 
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